My Diary from Sex Rehab

An Important Announcement

I am stepping aside from my work to commit myself to continuing my personal growth, spiritual learning and above all to listen to women. It was a different time, when we called my behavior joking (what you call sexually harassing)and monkey business (what you might call raping) and I understand the culture and climate has changed. I regret that this has come to light now and how this may impact my friends and family and the women involved who misunderstood my intentions. Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is some truth in it although I don't appreciate the strong language used. I will be checking into rehab to pet horses and eating fresh locally sourced food for the foreseeable future.

Day 1

Notes from sex addict rehab

I would like all my fans to know that I will back on a "Forgive me, I am a sexual predator what can I do" 2018 tour where I will teach you what I have learned and mansplain what true forgiveness is. You're welcome!

Day 5

Notes from Sex Rehab

Hello loved ones and fans,

I’m learning so much about myself and about boundaries so far. What is consent? Do I want ranch or vinaigrette? I need to be mindful throughout the day. When I pet a dog does she want it? So much to consider. I’ve talked to Simon and Schuster about my memoir about this time so that you can learn from my self discovery. Pretty great advance on the book to finance my recovery and my other holdings. Love you all! Stay tuned for more!

Day 14

Notes from sex rehab

Ive been thinking of all the people I haven’t sexually harassed or raped and the number is pretty astounding. So, I showed a lot of restraint most of the time. No one is talking about that.

Day 17

Notes from sex rehab

They are teaching us about empathy for others. Empathy is the ability to guess what others are feeling as you are doing things to them. I'm grateful for you all out there that empathize with me-- with what I am going through right now and get that I am doing everything I can to get through it and get back to work. Forgiveness is key for you to get on with your lives.I think we can all agree that this has been a very difficult time for everyone including me. If you want to send me a gift, please DM me. Meanwhile,I will be working on my memoir.

Another Important Announcement

As many of you know, I entered sex rehab at the end of last year after several allegations were made against me. Some were true, some were categorically false and some were a mixture of the two. For which were which, I ask you to respect my privacy at this time.

Since I graduated from Dr. Heivenlexter's Sexual Wellness Program in Sheybogan, WI, I've had some ups and downs. My memoir and speaking tour did fairly well, my Ted Talk on Celebrity Rubbing and Touching, not so much. So, I know what struggle is. I can say that I will always be in recovery and sometimes I just don't know if raping is right or wrong. Wait, I was just notified by my Don't Rape app that it's wrong.

Anyway, I thought it behooved me to make a public statement at this time about Brett Kavanaugh. To wit: Remember there are two sides to every story, the guy's side and then the liar's side. You need to be objective and listen and not be swayed. Yes, the democrats are desperate. Yes, women can sometimes be opportunists and fame seekers. I can think of conspiracy theories that support either side! There are fine people on both sides! You see, we are all victims in this. Just don't be confused by confusion. When Brett Kavanaugh is confirmed on Friday we can all breathe a sigh of relief that things are the way they should be, the way they have always been.

Year End Wrap Up 2018

We are coming to that time of year when I am always shortlisted for TIME Person of the Year and PEOPLES Sexiest Person Alive. My people have let their people know I am not interested in any honors from these snowflake publications. I will instead be accepting the Breitbart Lifetime Achievement Award for Climate Change Denial and named Drudge’s Delicious Dame of Dystopia 2018. Thank you all in advance for your accolades. I have withstood many vicious attacks this year from a lot of dogs with horse faces but my superior brain and pure kick ass awesomeness always wins out.

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