EDWINA WOOD JR. presents “EMPIRE OF THE VAMPIRES” is projected on the house curtain as the audience finds their seats.
A woman enters stage left.
PROFESSOR: Good evening and thank you for coming. My name is Alexandra Von der Klonk, I am the chair of the University’s department for Women’s History in Film and Home Economics. Tonight it is our pleasure to show you some rare footage from Edwina Wood JR’s uncompleted film, “Empire of the Vampires.” As most of you know, Edwina was an American filmmaker who produced B movies in Hollywood from 1951 to 1959. She is most well known for her movies She Hears Voices in Space and Splendor in Venus. Unfortunately, Edwina died in a fire lit by her own cigarette in her apartment in Monrovia, California in 1960. Please enjoy.
The PROFESSOR exits.
Curtain up.
Lights up on a 1950s appointed doctor’s office. From a window stage right, nondescript grey NYC office buildings are visible.
A distinguished looking man in his early 60’s wearing a white lab coat shuffles papers as he sits at his desk. There are various doctorly things on his desk: a stethoscope, scalpels of different sizes in a jar, a giant medical textbook titled, “Blood and You”, and a jar with a human heart in formaldehyde. He looks intently at one report and puts it down. He stands and looks intently at a second report and puts it down. He looks even more serious and concerned as he looks at a third report as he puts it closer and closer to his face. His hands begin to shake. He slams the paper down on the desk and lets out a deep sigh. Slowly he sits down and stares off into the far distance. He takes out his pipe, his hands trembling. He tries to light a match to no avail.
DOCTOR
(Says to himself)
The vampirecillious virus. It just can’t be. This was eradicated a hundred and fifty years ago by female herd immunity! Female herd immunity, goddammit!
A young woman opens the door to the DOCTOR’s office and peers in. She is dressed in a tight pink angora sweater, a black pencil skirt, high heels, short white gloves, and a hat.
GRETA
The nurse said to just come in and sit down. Is it ok?
I’m Greta Nina du Fontaine, your 11:15.
DOCTOR
Why, of course.
(Looks GRETA over carefully as she walks over. He tries to compose himself and take a more professional demeanor.)
Please.
GRETA
(Sits and smooths her stockings.The DOCTOR notices.)
I don’t know what this could be about! I have been having these dizzy spells lately. I’m assuming I’m anemic. I need to eat more liver, I suppose.
DOCTOR
Oh, my dear. It could have been so many things. Women are frail things prone to disease and rot. (Leans in) That’s why as a scientist and leading medical expert in my field I run things called tests. I won the Palm de Levant for my advances in blood research so it’s a good thing you came to my clinic.
The DOCTOR runs his hands over the papers on his desk and knocks over the human heart in the jar on his desk and it falls to the floor. GRETA rushes to help him with the escaped heart. After a few attempts they get the heart back in the jar. The DOCTOR quickly recovers. GRETA returns to her chair.
Now. I arrived at your diagnosis after having cross matched your red blood cells with your white blood cells and then comparing those results with your female brain activity.
The DOCTOR looks very pleased with himself.
Awkward silence. GRETA fidgets in her seat and takes a white cotton handkerchief out of her handbag.She sits up straight trying to steady herself.
GRETA
What did you find, doctor?
DOCTOR
He stands up and walks around to the front of his desk and sits on it as he speaks.
My dear, I’m afraid it’s not good news. Is it possible that you have been cavorting with…the wrong crowd?
Doctor waves his hand and knocks the jar of scalpels over. He fumbles and picks up one after another and places them back in the jar but hurts himself each time with exclamations of “Ow” for each one. He finishes and turns to GRETA, quickly composes himself yet again, and squints at her disapprovingly.
DOCTOR
Now, what did you do?
Lights down on the doctor’s office. The DOCTOR is still visible observing the scene. GRETA stands and walks downstage. She is met by a young clean-cut man and they take hands as they stroll slowly stage left. A neon sign lowers and blinks MAMBO ALIENIQUE. Sounds of laughing, music, and clinking glasses are heard offstage.
GRETA
Let’s go in there, Conrad. It sounds like fun!
CONRAD
Greta! We can’t go in there. Are you crazy?
You know what kind of people are in there!
GRETA
People dancing? People enjoying themselves?
CONRAD
Flimflam men, con artists, card sharks, and floozies. Floozies, Greta.
Do you want me cavorting with floozies? Don’t you want me all to yourself?
GRETA
(Pauses)
Well…
CONRAD
Greta! We’re getting married.
We’ll buy a little house and have a little boy named Arthur and a little girl named Emily Lynn. Then we will grow old together and sit by the fire.
GRETA
(Dismayed)
Well, about that…
The music changes to an alien mambo. GRETA becomes entranced by it. Six dancers in alien outfits surround GRETA and CONRAD gets lost in the crowd. CONRAD exits as GRETA walks towards a 7 ft tall fabulously dressed genderless alien with a green face. They take Greta’s hand and dance the mambo. The dancers hold martini glasses and laugh, commiserate and dance. GRETA and the alien dance faster and faster and more wildly until the alien stops and sucks on her neck for an inordinate amount of time and in various comic positions. The dancers surround them touching them orgiastically.
GRETA
(In a deep guttural voice)
Mmmmmm. I loved that so much.
The dancers separate from GRETA and
GRETA stands center stage looking transfixed.
ALIEN LOVER
We have now, finally, acquired our Human Woman Zero!
Our great leader, Xarpo, on our beloved planet Mars, will be pleased.
The dancers cheer in their native tongue.
Lights up on the doctor’s office. The dancers dance and move offstage. GRETA walks back still in a trance and wobbly sits down.
DOCTOR
(Sighs and shakes his head)
And that’s all it takes.
Are we sure teeth punctured skin? Did it?!
The teeth and the skin! Was there penetration?!
GRETA
Yes, and it felt glorious!
DOCTOR
(Slams his fist down on the desk)
My god woman! Have you no scruples? This is what happens to women like you.
And they were aliens! Are you trying to destroy earth?
You now have a VTD. Vampirically Transmitted Disease.
Do you know what you have unleashed?
Was it even worth it?
GRETA
(Pause)
Well, I did have a good time.
DOCTOR
(Turns directly to the audience and walks a step downstage.)
This is one of the many things that can happen to women when they risk cavorting with strangers. Especially when they wear these tight. soft. pink. angora. sweaters. In my practice, I have seen almost everything but it is a weak woman of no morals who has the worst of outcomes.
Doctor stares out into the distance as if in great thought.
GRETA begins to fidget in her chair. Her movements become wilder and more comically erratic. The doctor does not seem to notice as he is a very great man deep in thought.
GRETA suddenly jumps up from her chair and onto his desk, showing her day-glo fangs. The doctor turns and is horrified. She jumps down, takes his jacket lapels and brings him in to look into his eyes.
GRETA
(Slowly)
I think I want it now, doctor!
DOCTOR
(He gasps)
It’s happening already?!
Oh no!
I miscalculated the viral load inside you. The viral load!
GRETA
(Speaking rhythmically over a mambo theme)
I want it red I want it hot I want it now
I want it as spicy as allowed
I need to sate this overwhelming thirst
And I want you doctor to be my first
Zoo da dat deelie deelio Da!
Come Closer
Zoo da dat deelie deelio Doe!
Come Here
Now, Do what I say
Turn around
And take it like a man.
The doctor as if in a trance turns around. Greta rubs her hands up and down his body and sways with him to the music and doctor yields to it. Greta then violently bites the doctor’s throat from behind. Blood spills as if from a faucet from his neck. She takes out a martini glass from her bag, fills the glass with the blood and drinks. The doctor falls to the ground mumbling nonsense medical terms. She throws the glass behind her and it smashes to the ground.
CONRAD
(From offstage, meekly knocking)
Greta, are you ok in there? I heard glass break in there, sweetie.
GRETA
(Pitching her voice so he can hear her from the next room.)
Yes, Conrad. Everything is more than fine in here. I will be right out.
Greta takes her gloves off now stained with blood and carefully put them into her purse and snaps it shut. She fixes her hair and makeup in a small mirror on the wall. She gives a small red toothed smile to the audience, opens the door and exits the doctor’s office.
(Music abruptly stops as the door is shut.)